Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
