im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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