remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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