What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
