He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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