I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
