I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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