It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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