He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Four minutes until I can fart!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
