theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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