it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
