Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
