Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
