I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
