I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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