Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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