I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
