Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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