Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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