you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
