I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's always time for handjobs
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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