Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
