Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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