and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
