we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
