There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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