Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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