yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
