Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
