im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
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At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
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He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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