someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
