I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
