I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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