i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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