I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
