either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
