The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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