someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
