My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
