Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
