you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
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I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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