Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
