He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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