im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
