Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sext me about skeletons
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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