gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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