And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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