2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
