I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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