i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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