We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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