I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Randomize
