I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
