margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
