its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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