they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
